Self Portrait ... Sunday

Okay, it's been exactly a month since my last post. How awful is that? No matter. I need to focus on the future, not on the past.....
Here's the thing--my Mom said she enjoys reading updates on the kids and the family and my day-to-day life, but what she really looks forward to on my Blog is my actual "writing"... things I put down that are meant to either be me venting or something that's going to inspire you, Dear Reader, to think about whatever I have to say. Well, I don't know if I'm going to get anything so grand written down tonight, but I do mean to get on here and NOT do an update on family.
My cousin, Bridget, used to do weekly posts called "SPT", which I correctly guessed to stand for Self Portrait Tuesday. (Wasn't so hard to figure out after reading her blog a few weeks in a row, noticing that the first one was an actual physical picture of her, and the next two or three were very introspective.) I liked the idea, but have not ever really rolled with it myself. I think she was getting topic suggestions from someone else (I could research that a little further, but that'll be for another entry, if at all). Anyway, here's one I've kind of been thinking of for a while:

Several entries ago, I posted 100 Things About Jim (nice, mushy stuff about Jim) and I got great feedback on it! Before that, I'd posted My 100 Things (just general things about me). I was thinking I should post what I don't like/would change about myself. However, I felt that listing 100 of those things (though not necessarily hard to come up with!) would seem very self-deprecating. So I decided that coming up with ten would be both gentler to my self-esteem and easier on you, Dear Reader.

10 Things About Me That I Would Change
1. I would be more motivated, in general. I have a tendency to want to stay home, do as little as possible, nap frequently, not strive hard to accomplish anything. I could probably be classified as an underachiever.
2. I would listen more, rather than waiting for my turn to talk. Quite often, in little e-mail surveys, I list--as one of the things I dislike about myself--that I interrupt people. Along with that, even when I don't interrupt, I'll find that I'm just waiting my turn to speak, to insert my own little tidbit or anecdote, whether it's necessary or not. I wish I was better at simply listening to people speak and absorbing what they have to say.
3. I would lose weight. I know, the key is to eat healthfully, exercise, and be happy with who I am. But I'm being honest here--I'm happier when I'm thinner. Problem is, I've been quite a bit heavier than I'd like to be for enough time now that I worry my body is used to being this size. (Rationalize, rationalize, rationalize, right?) A big part of my problem is that, for YEARS, eating has been an emotional thing for me. Y'know the saying, "Some people eat to live, some people live to eat." I'm in the latter group. Exercising and eating well are definitely things I'm working on, but I'd like to be thinner, too. Plain and simple.
4. I would be less guarded. I know that sounds strange, considering I'm sitting here, opening myself up on a Blog for all to see. But I truly believe that I hold things back from people. I let them tell me all they want about what's going on in their lives (and seriously, I sometimes feel like I've got the word "shrink" tattooed on my forehead!), yet I rarely tell more than surface stuff about myself. I don't know why I'm like that. It's not like I have these major, dark secrets. I just don't always feel comfortable opening myself up to most people.
5. I would have a better balance of patience and loving firmness with my children. Sometimes, I feel like I can't say "no" to them ever. Yes, you can have a snack. Yes, I'll buy you a "treat-treat". Yes, you can watch TV. Blah, blah, blah. But then I feel like I fly off the handle over the tiniest little infractions. I feel almost mortally wounded when I "slave" over some new meal and nobody wants to eat it. I yell, I beg, I plead, I threaten, and nobody will eat it. Then I get super mad and start enforcing major punishments.... but I'M a picky eater--wouldn't you think I'd be more understanding when my kids don't like something? Things like that... I wish I was more patient, yet more consistent when enforcing rules.
6. I would have gotten a teacher's certificate when I was in college. How dumb was I? Majoring in English, but not going into Education? There was no law that said I'd HAVE to teach, but at least I could have put my degree to some use if I ever decided that I WANTED to!!! (But no-o-o-o, I was going to be "a writer". Wonderful.... How much have I written so far, ever? Nada! Zip! Zilch!) I realized about five years out of college that I would have maybe enjoyed teaching kids at the high school level, but by then it would've cost kind of a lot and taken another two years just to get a teacher's certificate. Dang-it!
7. I would have made more of the time I had in Chicago. Don't get me wrong--I had a great time when I was living there, and I feel like I benefited a lot from the experience. I saw a lot of cool stuff, I had a lot of wonderful visits from friends and family, I did things I would've never been able to do in Nebraska. But my whole reason for going--for joining VISTA--was to help others. I was put in a position where a VISTA volunteer was actually not needed. So rather than ask to transfer to a position where I could be helpful and useful, I just coasted. Sure, I did a few things at the counseling center I was assigned to, but it was mostly stuff like babysitting, re-vamping the resource library within the facility, attending meetings that I had really no business going to, and doing a bit of public speaking. I also watched a lot of movies when the boss was out and the other counselors were free, I wrote a lot of letters (this was before e-mail), I read a lot (well, I don't regret that--much of my reading was done on my commute), and I even took naps at work now and then. Neat. Real impressive. Why didn't I ask to be relocated so I could actually HELP somebody?
8. I would have stuck with band during my last year in high school, so that I could have tried out for the UNL marching band. I said that my reason for quitting was because the marching band didn't have clarinets and I hated playing alto sax (clarinets were added to the marching band, I believe during my sophomore year, but it could've been when I was a freshman), but the real reason I quit was because the new high school band teacher and I DID NOT get along. I should have sucked it up and continued on. If I didn't join the marching band, maybe I could have been in the symphony or something. I really miss playing now and I was really quite good, if I do say so myself.
9. I wouldn't have spent so much money on shoes. I know that sounds silly, but I didn't ever realize that a person's feet grow during/after pregnancy. Maybe it doesn't happen to all women, I don't know. But my feet grew after Lindsay was born--they grew a whole size! I had to get rid of over 30 pairs of shoes, and I was VERY into those shoes. I mean, I didn't spend $400 on Manolo Blahniks or anything, but still, I LOVED my shoes. Giving up that many shoes was painful!
10. I would have picked the right numbers on the Powerball when the jackpot was in the $300 million range. Tee! Hee! I'm mostly kidding. Obviously, we never have that kind of knowledge ahead of time. And what do I need with millions and millions of dollars? It would probably ruin me to have that much money. But it sure is fun to dream about, don't you agree?

Well, that's all I can come up with, luckily. I suppose I should have said I'd list nine things, but I enjoy putting that fluff one at the end.
By the way, I see that Bridget is still doing SPT... if you clicked on the link to her Blog (above) you'd see that too. Thanks, Bridget, for once again being my inspiration!
Until next time,
xoxo
tt