He ain't heavy... he's my brother

I've been thinking about my older brother a lot lately. We'll call him CB. CB lives on the East Coast, and he's been there for more of my life than he spent near what I consider 'home'. We're just two and a half years apart. I always felt like we looked out for each other. We got each other into trouble, yes, but when it came down to the big stuff, we always took care of each other and didn't care about anyone else. (I kind of feel like that's the sort of relationship my daughters have... which is awesome.) When I was 17, my brother joined the Navy and was sent East after boot camp. He was stationed on a ship--rather, a carrier--that was in dry-dock for the duration of my brother's time in the Service. I think he's pretty bummed, or at least he was for a while, that he never got to sail out and travel around. My husband was also in the Navy (at the same time, but he was stationed on a frigate), and he got to see a good portion of the world. I think that's pretty cool. Anyway, my brother left when I was 17, and I've been out to see him a couple of times, and he's come back a handful of times for visits (alone or with his wife, whom he met there, and their daughter). It's crazy to me to think that someone I saw nearly every day for 17 years, someone I fought with and laughed with and even protected, in my odd way, is so far away from me now. I feel closer to him than anyone else in my family, but I probably talk to him less often than everyone else. Sometimes I feel like he understands me better than anyone else, and I understand him better too. Yet, there are times that I get the feeling there's so much space and time between us that we'll never understand each other the way we did when we were kids. I miss him. CB is smart, funny, well-read, intuitive, considerate, quick-witted, intellectual, laid back, hard-working, silly, and serious. His eyes almost always smile, even when his mouth isn't smiling... like he's got some joke on you or maybe like he's trying to make light of intense situations. He's got a cheerful spirit and can find joy in his life, even during its lowest points. He has taught me many, many things. He taught me to love myself, to be true to myself, to accept that I may not 'fit in' with every crowd--but that 'fitting in' isn't always what it's cracked up to be, to look on the bright side of things, to try to see things from the other person's perspective, to trust few but to trust them deeply, to keep a song in my heart,and to feel free to dance when the spirit moves me, no matter where I am. I love him. CB is someone that I am constantly watching for, even though I know he's not here. I'll see someone who looks nothing like him, but there's something about the way that person walks or something in their eyes or their smile... and I think of CB. Sometimes, I hear him in my younger brother's laugh (let's call him KB), which is strange. The two look nothing alike, they don't really act alike at all, and it's rare for me to even see them together. There's so many years between CB and KB, it's like I have two different lives--those years growing up with CB, and the later years, with KB, as I was becoming an adult and growing independent (and bitchy). To hear CB's laugh coming out of KB is extremely surreal. But again, it makes me think of (and almost picture) CB. I honestly expect, at any moment, to turn a corner and see him sauntering towards me with a cigarette poked jauntily out of his mouth, hands in his pockets, devilish gleam in his eyes. I do so miss him!