Bad Mom

Okay, in the past four days or so, I've hurt two of my three children. Don't get the idea that I'm abusing them, 'cuz I'm not. Both times, it's been an accident.

A few days ago, Jim decided we should go for a walk. We've started doing that a lot in the evenings... it's a good way to entertain Donovan, and the weather's been nice enough to make it enjoyable. Well, this particular evening, it was "spitting" when we started out, but we didn't think it'd be a big deal--we all wore jackets, and Jim held our big black umbrella over Donovan's stroller. We got half-way around the block when it started to rain for real. Jim, Donovan and Josie were well ahead of Lindsay and me. We got to the last 1/4 of the block, or so, and it started to just pour on us! Lindsay and I grabbed each other's hands and we started running--neither of us really enjoy running much, and neither of us are very good at it. But boy, we were running then! It wasn't exactly cold, but it wasn't like being out in the rain in the middle of July, either. So we finally got home--where, of course, Jim and Donovan and Josie had already been for about five minutes--and we came into the basement, through the garage, and started taking off our wet shoes and jackets, etc. I walked in after Lindsay, and I swung the door shut behind me. What I didn't see, until it was too late, was that Lindsay had her fingers on the doorjam, holding on as she was peeling off her socks. In slow motion, I reached out to stop the door, but I was too late. It slammed right onto her fingertips! It wasn't a really hard slam, but it did, indeed, squish her little fingers! I immediately grabbed her hand and stuck it in my mouth as she stood there, whimpering and trying so hard not to cry. She was unsuccessful. However, she didn't cry long, and when she saw that I was about to cry, feeling so badly about what I'd done, she pulled herself together quickly and told me she was okay. I felt awful for the rest of the evening, even though her fingers looked fine and she kept telling me they were feeling better.

Last night, after I gave Donovan his bath, I sat down to feed him. He only ate off one breast and then fell asleep. I asked Jim to bring me the fingernail clippers--it's difficult clipping his nails at ANY time, but if I can catch him when he's sleeping, he moves around a lot less. (Donovan never seems to be completely still, but he is a lot more so when he's asleep.) So I started on his left hand. I got through two or three fingers when Josie and Lindsay started asking me questions about what I was doing, asking me to look at the pages they were coloring, etc. I tried to get them to stop distracting me, as I needed to concentrate on what I was doing. No sooner had I said that when I started in on his thumb--the last finger on the first hand I was working on. Sure enough, I nicked the skin. He woke up screaming and continued to scream for three or four minutes. Again, I've got his thumb in my mouth. I'm not sure this technique actually works to soothe my children, but it makes ME feel better about it! I felt so awful--poor little guy! The tip of his thumb was bleeding a bit, so I just kept sucking on it as he tried to calm himself down. Then I remembered, he'd only eaten off of one breast--I still had the other to offer him! The ultimate source of comfort!!! Once Donovan started eating, his thumb was forgotten--at least to him.

Lindsay asked me, as I sat there near tears, "Have you done anything bad to Josie, too?" I tried to laugh off the comment, and I said, "I'm sure I probably have at some point." To which Lindsay replied, "No, I mean, have you hurt her on her fingers too?" Yes, dear, I realized what you meant the first time! I told her I didn't know and asked her to get her PJ's on. I really didn't want to talk about it anymore. Well, it's a new day and hopefully I won't hurt Josie at all, nor will I hurt the other two kids again. However, Donovan does have five more fingernails that need clipping--I think they're going to get pretty long, 'cuz now I'm afraid to clip them!